Sometimes I just want to shrink down to the size of a small doll, just to be able to cuddle with my rats for real. I mean, it look sooo cozy when they cuddle up to eachother and sleep all day. <3
I worry that people can see my gain of weight.
I worry that people talk about my gain of weight.
I worry about what they say.
But the thing is..
Maybe they don’t think about me, the way I think about me.
Maybe they don’t care.
Maybe they think it’s okay.
Maybe they even say I look beautiful.
And what if…
They even think that I am…
Would it matter?
I know better now, and so I am trying to do better. It is painful because the old ways are so comfortable but I know in my heart that pain is the only thing that will bloom if I go backwards and plant the same seeds I always did.
I want to feel the sun kiss my skin, and watch the light grow inside of me. So yes, I know better, and yes I will try to do better. I will trust that this uncomfortable feeling will fade into peace, and I will be one step closer to being free in me.
I am letting go of many things, thoughts, feelings, and people that have weighed me down until the water filled my lungs. I am learning how to breathe again without them, and it feels bittersweet but I know this is what is right for me.
I won’t explain or justify myself to anyone. I will live out my life with joy, with peace, with honesty, and I will not let anything unravel me again.
This is my story, and beautiful things will be written in each page. The light will soak into my words, and I will come alive in each chapter. No more holding back. No more pleasing you. No more making myself small to make you more. I am here, and I am going to take up space. I am going to live.